


Until It Happens To You

by darthkouhai



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Abuse of Authority, Angst, Another vent fic, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Sexual Harassment, Introspection, Lots of Crying, M/M, Misunderstandings, No mercy references, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Physical Abuse, Platonic Kissing, Platonic use of petnames, Protective Hyungs, Self-Harm, Violence, Vomiting, When I mean lots of crying I m e a n lots of crying, frustrated hyungs, lapslock, threatened non-con
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-29
Updated: 2018-06-15
Packaged: 2018-11-06 05:15:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 17,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11029386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darthkouhai/pseuds/darthkouhai
Summary: "Why would they believe you, huh? I’ve seen the way they treat you; they don’t care.”he used to always hear stories of trainees being abused and taken advantage of, just for the promise of achieving their dreams. he could never understand how someone could live with that, just to have their 15 minutes of fame - until now.because as they say, you don’t know how it feels until it happens to you.





	1. You tell me it gets better (it gets better in time)

**Author's Note:**

> hello it is I, back with the angst. this is more of a vent fic, tbh, and the title is inspired by Lady Gaga's "till it happens to you". im not sure how long this will be, but I have a plan :)
> 
>  
> 
> there's almost always a little bit of truth in the things people right, so please take this with a grain of salt - the conflicting feelings, the inconsistencies, they're all intentional.

_“why would they care? i’ve seen how they look at you changkyun-ah; you’re nothing but a burden to them.”_

_no_.

“ _they wouldn’t believe you even if you came home with a broken arm - you_ know _this, changkyun-ah. they hate you.”_

_stop!_

_“it hurts more when you fight like this, so why don’t you just stop so we can have a little bit of fun, yeah?”_

 

changkyun wakes with a start, shooting up from his spot on the ground with heavy, raspy breaths. with his heart hammering against his ribcage, the boy looks around in fear, his stomach churning with the need to puke. the practice room is empty, save for him and his stuttering breath. he lets out a pitiful sob, one that sounds more like a wheeze than anything, curling his knees up to his chest. _his_ voice still rings in changkyun’s ear, the _“they don’t care, changkyun-ah”_ playing over and over in his mind.

his fingers curl around bruised knees, nails digging into the darkened spots - _to ground himself_ , changkyun excuses, taking in the rush of relief the self-inflicted pain brings. it’s different from the ache he feels across his body, different from the pain of the bruises lining his stomach and his back (most of his body, really). it’s controlled, _on his terms_.

changkyun laughs bitterly, glaring at the ground with swollen eyes.

 

it’s getting late, even without seeing outside, changkyun can tell he’s been lying here for a while already, that he should have been home by now. it’s the third time this week he’s going to arrive at the dorm late, and no doubt is he going to get an earful - but it's _fine_ , he already knows what to say to get the hyungs off his back (not that they really care where he spent his time, but they all had a schedule to follow, they can’t have changkyun fucking everything up).

 _“I was getting some extra practice,_ ” is what he’ll tell hyunwoo, with a sheepish smile to top it all off. it’s not like he’s lying, either. he _did_ come for extra practice, because he’s still stumbling over the footwork for their title song’s dance, but he was caught off guard when hyunsik - their manager - interrupted. the moment he caught eyes with the older man, changkyun knew he wasn’t going to make it home on time.

and he was right, because here he is, maybe 2 hours later, still at the company building. _at least he’s gone now_ , changkyun muses with a mirthless smirk. there’s no humor in his thoughts, no real happiness to be felt because while hyunsik is gone, his presence still remains. in the crevices of changkyun’s insecure mind, in his bruises, in the scars in and around his body.

he’s sure he must look like shit (more-so than usual), so he takes the time to fix his hair, rearrange his clothes, making sure every mark, every bruise, is covered. changkyun can’t have the rest of his bandmates finding out - can’t give them a reason to hate him more than they already do. dragging himself up off the ground is harder than it first seemed. with every movement, his muscles ached and as soon as he was upright, his head spun dizzily. changkyun almost collapses but he stays on his feet stubbornly, forcing the dizziness to fade as quickly as it could.

 

every step is painful, but changkyun manages to get himself out of the building after an excruciating 6 minutes. the cool air of the night is refreshing, and changkyun takes a deep breath. _how am i supposed to dance tomorrow?_ he thinks, wincing at the pull of his bruised muscles. he should be used to it, really, but hyunsik seemed angrier today - rougher. he’d hit changkyun harder than usual, stood over him and wailed insults and fists at the rapper until he couldn’t speak anymore. it was rough and changkyun is feeling the repercussions in not only his body, but also his mind.

but, again, _it’s fine_. this... this _thing_ he and hyunsik have going on (the manager having free reign on changkyun, wherever, whenever) it’s nothing he can’t handle, nothing he doesn’t deserve. changkyun is used to it, he’s _fine_.

(but he’s not fine. it’s not fine.)

 

by the time he makes it back to the dorm, it’s well past midnight. nobody waited up for him tonight; usually it would be hyunwoo or kihyun, waiting on the couch with a stern lecture (kihyun) or a worried scold (hyunwoo). but tonight, it seems everyone is already tucked away in bed. _they probably gave up._ changkyun doesn’t mind, he probably would to if he were in any of their positions, so he ignores the hollow feeling of sadness welling up in his chest. he carefully trudges to the vacant couch, foregoing the trek to his shared bedroom. changkyun’s not sure if he could make it up to his bunk. not tonight, not when each step is harder to take than the last. he just wants to sleep.

he drops himself down onto the couch carefully, letting out a heavy sigh. his eyes slip shut the moment his head hits the cushion, but changkyun’s heart is racing too quick for him to find rest. his head is throbbing, body aching, but the ache extends past the surface, to deep inside his chest. the longer he lays there, in the quiet darkness of the living room, the colder he grows.

he wants his hyungs.

(changkyun wants a lot of things

he wants to hear the annoyance-masked worry in kihyun’s voice as he scolds changkyun for returning home so late, the awkward “come home earlier next time, changkyun-ah” from hyunwoo as he directs him to bed. he wants to listen to hoseok and hyungwon bicker about any and everything. he wants to watch jooheon and minhyuk bounce around the dorm.

he wants to _not_ feel like a burden every waking moment of his life. he wants to not live in fear every day. he wants to feel like he has a place among these people, like he’s a part of _Monsta X_.

changkyun wants a lot of things, remember - but when does he ever get what he wants?)

he's too tired to pretend everything's alright, so he curls into the edge of the couch, face pressed into the cushion, and lets the tears he’s been holding back fall freely. his hyungs aren’t here, there’s no need to hide his weakness.


	2. You say I'll pull myself together (pull it together)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> im also not satisfied wth the outcome of this chapter but the next one will be better (or, worse, given the circumstances lol)

“changkyun?” changkyun winces when someone prods at his shoulder, pressing against one of his bruises. “changkyun-ah, wake up.”

the poking turns to a gentle shake before changkyun manages to pry open his eyes, one of his hands shooting up to rub away the dried tears and sleep. he groans under his breath, glaring vacantly at the upholster. this isn’t his bed, his throbbing brain supplies, _where did i..._ _oh, that's right_. he’d fallen asleep on the couch last night (a few hours ago?), too tired and too hurt to make it to his own bed.

“changkyun-ah,” kihyun’s voice calls, again. “you gotta wake up, come on.”

his voice, his touch, makes changkyun’s stomach tumble with butterflies, a welcomed presence over the hollowness in his chest. he turns on his back, biting back a cry of pain, to look up at his hyung. kihyun is kneeling beside the couch, his eyebrows pinched in the way that only happens when he’s worried. ( _but why would he be worried for_ you _, changkyun?_ )

“hi, hyung,” he mumbles, voice much raspier than he thought it would be.

“god, when did you come home last night? you sound horrible,” kihyun frowns, “and why aren’t you sleeping in bed?”

changkyun opens his mouth to reply, to spew out one of the manufactured responses he’s gotten used to sharing, but nothing comes out. his throat closes up before his words can be voiced, the only thing changkyun can do is give his hyung a sheepish look.

 

kihyun shakes his head, clearly exasperated. the annoyance in his tone is glaringly obvious when he speaks again ( _l_ _ook what you did, changkyun_ ), “you can’t keep doing this, changkyun - staying out all night doing god knows what. you have a responsibility and you need to start taking it seriously. now get up and get dressed, we have practice.”

and just like that, kihyun is gone again, leaving the hole in changkyun’s chest gaping once more. _why do i keep fucking everything up,_  he scoffs dryly, forcing away the wet heat behind his eyes. he can’t cry anymore, changkyun can’t keep being weak like this - like kihyun said, _i have responsibilities._

so he forces himself up and off the couch, trying his best to ignore the sharp pull in his muscles when he does. changkyun hears the rest of his hyungs bustling about the dorm; there’s more than one person in the kitchen, one crunching obscenely loud and the other laughing just as boisterous (probably hoseok and minhyuk) _._  the shower is running and kihyun’s voice can be heard yelling in one of the bedrooms (hyungwon must not be up). the loudness is familiar, safe. changkyun sighs in relief. _it’s okay._

his bedroom is empty, though jooheon’s many hats are scattered across his bed. changkyun makes sure the door is closed when he changes, doing his best not to look at his bruised body. the dizziness from the night before hadn’t dissipated, only got worse with sleep - for a second, the thought of a concussion passed through changkyun’s mind before he flicks it away. hyunsik didn’t hit him _that_ hard (he’s just weak).

pulling on his clothes comes as a surprising difficulty and in any other situation changkyun would laugh at himself for having trouble pulling a sweater over his head, but right now the feat is pitiful more than anything. _how am i supposed to dance_ , he worries, both frustration and self-deprecation forcing unwanted tears back up.

 

_“what a fucking crybaby. if you can’t even handle this, what makes you think you could handle being an idol?”_

 

changkyun’s knees give out, his ass hitting the ground roughly as hyunsik’s voice echoes through his head. _crybaby, crybaby, crybaby_ \- the word that seems to describe him most, at least in the manager’s opinion. _but it’s true_.

(truthfully, crying is something changkyun doesn’t do often, too used to forcing down his emotions and keeping a straight face; but hyunsik’s words are a hunting snake and changkyun’s thoughts are the vulnerable prey. like a vice, his insults have coiled around his thoughts, his self esteem, and changkyun can’t even decipher where his own opinions end and hyunsik’s begin anymore.)

 _a crybaby who can’t do anything by himself_ , hyunsik tells him, _a whiny brat who does nothing but burden his hyungs._ like thorns, those words stab into him every day, but where is the lie? as far as he knows, hyunsik has told him nothing but the truth - since he’d been injected into the lineup of _No Mercy_ , changkyun’s done nothing but inconvenience everybody around him.

 

a sharp knock at the bedroom door snaps changkyun out of his thoughts, and jooheon is barrelling through the door moments later. “yo, let’s go, or we’re gonna be late,” the rapper rushes, sifting through his collection of snapbacks and pulling a black one from the pile.

changkyun says nothing, pulling himself up off the ground and following jooheon out of the bedroom quietly. everyone’s already there, even _hyungwon,_ so that makes changkyun the last one out ( _again_ , even though jooheon is just as late). he doesn’t look up, not wanting to see the mirroring looks of annoyance (the same look kihyun had) on his hyungs’ faces.

changkyun held them back again.

 

the ride to the company building is quiet; at least, in changkyun’s opinion. he doesn’t pay attention to the conversation around him, leaning his aching head against the cool window and closing his eyes. his thought drift easily, like usual, but it’s nothing good. all changkyun can think about is the stabbing guilt of the situation - of the glaring reality that he _isn’t good enough_. he lets himself drown in his own thoughts, curling against the window.

(changkyun doesn’t want to think about the building anxiety gnawing at his chest, nor the fatigue pulling at his conscious, but he can’t get away. consumed by the monster hiding in the back of his mind, changkyun's hoping, praying, that he’ll be strong enough to make it through the day.)

changkyun is the last to get out of the van, following behind the rest of them solemnly. the atmosphere is dreary, too subdued for _Monsta X_ , and it’s making changkyun nervous. his eyes stay locked onto the ground, ashamed. this is _his_ fault.

(he misses the worried looks his bandmates share.)

they have vocal practice first and changkyun is grateful for the relief off of his feet. the very act of walking is excruciating, nevermind _dancing_. his bruises still ache painfully, especially the darkening ones along his ribs. changkyun can still feel the imprints of hyunsik’s knuckles in the ridges of his ribs, pressing hard enough to cut off his breath, the ghost of a heel digging into his sternum.

the couch dips beside him and changkyun jolts in shock. minhyuk settles beside him, his signature sunny grin stretched across his lips. “you know he only acts like that because he cares, right?” minhyuk asks, glancing over at kihyun (singing away in the soundbooth, amazing as always) before returning his gaze to changkyun, “he’s just worried about you, changkyunie. we all are.”

his arm wraps around changkyun’s shoulders - which usually would be a comfort, but it only makes the suffocating pressure in his chest worse. but this is his dear hyung, so changkyun forces down the discomfort, trying not to flinch as minhyuk’s arm digs into the bruises on his shoulders. if the vocalist notices his stiffness, he doesn’t say anything (changkyun’s not sure if he’s thankful or not).

his turn couldn’t come fast enough. as soon as his name is called, changkyun squeezes himself out of minhyuk’s hold quickly, missing the look of hurt that flashes across the blond’s face. he ignores the rest of his hyungs, ignores his dizziness and the shakiness of his hands, and focuses on the lyrics in front of him. _don’t screw this up too_ , hyunsik’s voice whispers into his ear, _you’ve caused enough trouble already._

 

with a deep breath, changkyun’s voice filters through the microphone. the lyrics flow smoothly from his lips, and with them comes a release. his shoulders relax the more he raps, and for a moment the buzzing in his head is quelled. changkyun steps out of the booth with a soft feeling of accomplishment. though his voice is shot and grovelly, a bit thicker than normal, he managed to get through recording with little-to-no screw ups. but the feeling doesn’t last once their vocal coach claps him on the bruised shoulder, his words (although a praise, really) cutting through changkyun like a knife.

“that thing you’re doing with your voice? keep at it, kid, it’s sounding good.”

changkyun freezes at the praise, his mood taking a sudden, dramatic turn. the man didn't mean anything by his words - he doesn't  _know_.  there’s no reason for those words to have  _that_ effect on him, no reason for them to leave changkyun's skin crawling. but they do. 

( _keep at it?_ he thinks with a silent scoff, _at what? screaming? crying?_ it's good to know there’s at least _something_ good that’s come out of his “quality time” with their manager.)

changkyun spends the rest of the three hours slumped rigidly on the couch, trying his best not to recoil from any of his hyungs. with the exception of minhyuk, they all leave him to himself. what should come as a relief only makes him more nervous, and changkyun finds himself sending suspicious glances towards the rest of his bandmates for the rest of the recording session.

he doesn’t mean to be like this, he doesn’t _want to be_ , but he can’t stop the cold suspicion growing in his stomach the longer his usually-clingy hyungs ignore him. so changkyun lets minhyuk maneuver him around however he likes, leaving himself pliant in the vocalists hands. at least then, he can’t do anything to make minhyuk angry with him too.

minhyuk latches himself onto hyunwoo as soon as the leader’s turn is over, leaving changkyun by himself again. changkyun doesn’t really mind, really, he doesn’t want to drag minhyuk down with his mopey aura, so he’s fine to spend the rest of it by himself until they have to leave. the constant fidgeting was starting to grate on his headache anyway, so changkyun’s kind of thankful for the reprieve. at least with minhyuk focusing on hyunwoo, there's nothing changkyun can do to disappoint him.

(changkyun would do anything to make his hyungs, his _family_ , happy - even if it means giving up his own happiness.)

 

by the time they arrive for dance practice, changkyun’s body feels ready to give up. his throat is sore from vocal practice and _god_ , his headache morphed into a migraine that pulses right behind his eyes every time he blinks, moves, or even just breathes. it’s going to be hell, changkyun knows.

once again, changkyun is left to his own devices as they change and stretch. the solitude is unnerving, making him feel like he did something wrong (he probably did though. he always does). the conversations around him are muted, a little strained, and changkyun can’t help but feel he’s the reason why. because he’s too weak to take care of himself so his hyungs are burdened with it; no wonder they’re angry. changkyun’s an adult, he’s _20_ , there’s no reason why he should always be relying on his hyungs.

 _like i said, nothing but a burden._ changkyun flinches at the dark laugh in his ears, at the poison dripping from every word, _this is why i’m teaching you how to survive, changkyun-ah._

(“teaching you how to survive”, that’s what hyunsik called using changkyun’s weaknesses against him, berating him with words he can’t defend himself against (because they’re true), knocking him onto his back and kicking him while he’s down. at first, after _No Mercy_ ended but before they debuted, he’d been in denial - no _way_ was this helping him.

but the more it kept happening, the more changkyun understood. he knows now, that what hyunsik tells him is true. it’s always been true. even before starship, with nu’bility and even before _that_ , changkyun’s done nothing but burden the people around him.

but now hyunsik lurks in the corners of his dreams, on the back of his eyelids, waiting for the right moment to bring changkyun to his knees in fear. changkyun’s only become more of a burden to the people he cares about, but that’s his own fault.)

 

the sharp clap of hyunwoo’s hands snap him from his thoughts. changkyun flinches at the sound, torn between feeling relieved at being saved from his own thoughts and feeling dread because this means he has to _move_. dance. “let’s get started,” the leader says quietly, sending the rest of them his signature awkward-yet-endearing smile.

as he stands, changkyun winces when a sharp ache shoots through his ribs, biting his lip to muffle a whimper. none of his hyungs take notice of the pained expression on his face as they get into position, and for that changkyun’s thankful. he doesn’t want to burden them anymore than he already has.

he can do this ( _don’t be weak_ ).

the deep thrum of the music’s bass rumbles through changkyun’s head painfully, forcing his vision to swim. the dizziness sweeps over him in waves as they keep dancing, and changkyun has to force himself not to throw up whenever they pause. the nausea worsens with every rushed movement until changkyun’s stumbling over someone’s foot, knocking the both of them over.

“ _fuck_ ,” someone curses, _hoseok_ , as they tumble to the floor harshly. the sound of changkyun’s pained gasp as his head hits the ground is swallowed by the heated shout that passes the older vocalist’s lips, “watch where you’re stepping!”

changkyun squeezes his eyes shut, pushing back tears as the back of his head throbs painfully, hands flying up to cover his head protectively. he can’t see what’s happening around him, but the lights are flashing behind his eyelids and he can hear the rest of his hyungs rustling around loudly.

(angry. they’re _angry_ , because of changkyun _-_ because he’s fucking everything up _again_. “ _you can’t do anything right, can you,”_ hyunsik purrs into the open air, mocking, teasing.)

 

something cold touches his burning forehead and changkyun flinches back, whimpering at the pain radiating off his skull. _it’s too_ _hot_ , he gasps, curling in on himself, _it hurts._ changkyun knows he needs to calm down (needs to stop making a scene), but the panic is already seeping deep into his skin and he can't stop it. his breath starts to get heavy, hard, lungs clogged with thick smoke and dusty ash.

the hand is back on his forehead but changkyun too panic-dazed to feel anything but the sting of the cold against his hot skin. his fingers and his toes are tingling numbly but changkyun is hyper aware of his own pain. with every breathless gasp that leaves his mouth, changkyun’s head pulses angrily.

 _make it stop,_ he grits his teeth, trying to bite back the sobs trying to force their way out. the noises around him bleed in and out, like his ears are clogged with water - he can’t make out what his hyungs are saying, what they’re doing, but he knows they’re not happy (with _him_ ). he _knows._

a pair of arms snake under his shoulders to tug him off the ground carefully. changkyun can hear someone speaking (to him, maybe?) but he can’t make out the words. he can’t concentrate on anything besides the panic, the pain; finally, the dam bursts and fat tears fall down his cheeks. changkyun doesn’t even realise he’s _screaming_ until something covers his mouth to muffle it.

“shh, changkyun-ah,” someone whispers frantically, the pitch of his voice heightened by fright and worry. “Manager-hyung is here, we’re gonna take you to the hospital, okay?”

the voice is soothing and soft, though filled with a fear that sounds much too unnatural. the mention of _manager_ runs his blood cold, but the moment jinsoo’s - their second manager - voice pierces through the quieted room, changkyun’s shoulders relax. _not hyunsik_ , he reminds himself, like a mantra, holding onto the reassurance as if it could protect him (and maybe it would? with hyunsik gone, changkyun is _safe_ ). _not hyunsik_.

changkyun barely feels himself being carried through the halls, only curling deeper into the pair of arms holding him up. his head, cradled by his own protective arms, is pillowed carefully on a muscled chest, barely twitching in between his carrier’s gentle steps and his own grip.

“it’s okay, changkyun-ah,” this time it’s hyunwoo’s voice, whispering reassuringly - changkyun can recognise that soft baritone anywhere. “don’t go to sleep, okay? we need you to be awake.”

he _wants_ to listen to hyunwoo. changkyun _wants_ nothing more than to open his eyes and look at the obvious expression of worry on his hyung’s face, the pinched eyebrows, the pouted lip - he _wants_ to look up and tell hyunwoo that he’s _fine_. but he’s _not_ , and he’s so _tired_.

(tired of fighting. tired of pretending.)

changkyun manages to force his eyes open, just enough to catch sight of the company van approaching them, but as soon as he does his vision blacks out and changkyun’s head falls back against hyunwoo’s shoulder. the numbness in his limbs is spreading and the tingle in his fingers is kind of painful, even the pain in his ribs is frozen - but the throbbing in his skull is still red hot.

changkyun blacks out again as they step closer to the van, unable to hold his arms up any longer. _am i going to die?_ the thought runs through his mind passively, through the haze and the dizziness, but as the smoke in his lungs wraps around his limbs, his throat, the will to care fades away with his consciousness.

_that’s okay…_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and take heed, kids, concussions fucking suck. I got a really bad concussion once and I kind of based changkyuns reaction on mine soo.... yah.


	3. tell me, what the hell do you know? (what do you know?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, this is the chapter where everything starts to get out of hand. changkyun's about to spiral right down that rabbit hole of depression and it's not going to be pretty. the hyungs aren't gonna be much help either. changkyuns gonna have a lot of conflicting feelings and he's gonna be dealing with a lot by himself, sorry kyun.
> 
> also, this chapter might be a little all over the place and i apologize. im not in the right state of mind, but i needed to get this chapter over and done with (the next chapter will be better, promise), and who knows, i might rewrite this chapter anyway. i've been in a depressive funk lately, what with graduation and everything, and i kind of lost all inspiration to write. for now, i'll keep going with this fic, since it /is/ kind of a vent fic, but my other fics will be on indefinite hiatus.
> 
> (which means changkyuns gonna suffer more bc im suffering yay)

the first thing changkyun notices when he rouses is the dulled thudding in his head.  the pain he felt before isn’t as sharp or dizzying as it had been, but changkyun knows it’ll come back (it always does). there’s a migraine still pulsing through his head but he feels fuzzy, almost numb. his eyes blink open slowly, squinting at the soft prang of pain that shoots through his skull because of the bright light. _where am i,_ he wonders briefly, pushing himself up with much difficulty. he can’t really feel his limbs - while a little tingly with retreating numbness, they felt much too heavy.

the last thing he remembers doing is falling over hoseok after a particularly hard run-through of their choreography, and then the feeling of someone smashing his head into the ground again and again. changkyun wishes they just brought him back to the dorm, but knowing his luck, that wasn’t the case. one quick swipe of the room (pale walls, a medical waste disposal box, among other medical tools) confirms his worst nightmare; _hospital_.

a shock of panic runs through changkyun, forcing him to jolt up in his spot as his heart pounds quickly in his chest. _do they know?_ the protective paper laid under him crinkles loudly with his sudden movement, and changkyun’s eyes fly around the room in alarm.

( _they can’t know they_ can’t _._ )

his breath catches in his chest once the door creaks open; changkyun’s eyes fly towards the figures walking through the door. a doctor, tall and covered in a sleek white lab coat, strolls through the door with jinsoo and hyunwoo following close behind. “Ah, you’re up,” the doctor greets quietly, looking at changkyun with a comforting smile. “i was starting to get a little worried there.”

changkyun says nothing, even as the doctor takes a seat on the stool across from changkyun. he can feel his heart beat quicker and quicker in his chest once again - but jinsoo places a reassuring hand on the back of changkyun neck to steady him and hyunwoo takes a seat beside him. changkyun can’t look at either of them, especially hyunwoo - knowing that it’s _his_ fault that they’re here, wasting their valuable time, leaves a sour taste in his mouth.

 _it’s okay_ , changkyun tries to convince himself, looking down at himself and almost sighing in relief when he notices his _own_ clothes, still in tact, _it’s okay._ “w-what happened,” he asks, voice hoarse and scratchy.

“well, changkyun-ssi,” the doctor starts, “from what i’ve gathered, you must have hit your head when you fell earlier, and the trauma, mixed with physical exertion, are most likely the reasons you fell unconscious. there’s no break in the skin, but there is some bruising on the back of your head. it’s been about two hours since you were brought here, but i’m going to need to check you over before you get to leave. ”

at jinsoo’s sigh of relief, the doctor is quick to interject, “hopefully there won’t be any permanent damage. you just need to take it easy for a few weeks; stay away from bright lights, especially phones, televisions, and computers, as well as don’t over-exert yourself physically, and make sure you ice your head when you return home. i would advise not participating in physical activity or anything that can strain your body until the pain has gone away.”

the doctor looks like he wants to say more but stops himself short, and jinsoo is quick to pick up on that. “is... there anything else we should be concerned about?”

the doctor tilts his head, looking over changkyun briefly, “nothing too big, but changkyun-ssi?” the brunet’s eyes fly up at the question of his name, “the bruising… while it could possibly be the severity of the fall, but the bruising on the back of your head is already very dark… did you hit your head sometime before this?”

changkyun’s blood runs cold; he can feel hyunwoo’s eyes pointed at him, with an almost judging look. _did you hit your head sometime before this?_ the memory of hyunsik roughly shoving his head against the wall flashes through his mind. _yes_ , changkyun wants to say, suddenly wanting to spill _everything_ \- but he can’t. _they can’t know_ , he reminds himself. so he shakes his head carefully, curling his fists into each other on his lap and trying to ignore the hot feeling of his hyung’s suspicious gaze. “no, n-not that i know of,” he lies, looking down at his shoes to avoid the doctor’s worried ones. there’s too much attention on him, too much pressure, prodding and poking for answers he ( _wants to_ ) can’t give. the small room feels much more suffocating than it had when changkyun woke up.

the doctor, luckily, after a few more questions, checks changkyun over once more before giving him the “okay” to leave. as the doctor bids them farewell, his words sit uncomfortably on changkyun shoulders - “ _no dance practice_ _”._ how does the doctor expect him to do that - he _can’t_ do that. changkyun doesn’t have the _right_ to just… laze around like that. especially not when he’s already too far behind the rest of his hyungs.

hoseok walks through the door once the doctor is gone and changkyun is almost glad nobody else follows after him - he’s not sure if he can take seeing _all_ of their disappointed faces at once. he doesn’t look up at the vocalist either, glare trained onto his feet. the cold throngs of fear are slipping around his lungs once again, the suffocating feeling from earlier intensifying as his hyungs surround him. there’s nowhere to hide from these three pairs of prying eyes, nowhere to run once changkyun submits to the urge to break.

 

“changkyun,” hoseok’s voice breaks through the deafening silence and snaps changkyun out of his stupor. “tell us the truth, yeah?”

startled, changkyun has to force his voice to stay steady, “what are you talking about, hyung?” he laughs, but hoseok interrupts him coldly - and only then does changkyun realise he’d been listening to their conversation through the door. _nosey as always_.

“you didn’t hit your head that hard, changkyunnie. you barely touched the ground before i _caught_ you.”

panic shoots through his veins ( _he knows, heknowsheknowsheknows)._ hoseok’s eyes barrow daggers into his skin and the hair on the back of changkyun’s neck stands straight. beside him, hyunwoo shifts uncomfortably. changkyun’s body feels heavy, seconds away from crumbling under the weight of the pressure - it’s too much, _look at what you’ve done changkyun._  “what are you talking about, hoseok?”

hoseok’s pale cheeks bleed a soft red to match his frustrated worry, eyes still glaring sharply towards changkyun bowed head, “I’m saying, there’s no way _just_ that could’ve resulted in him passing out like that. i’m not _stupid_ , it takes more than that for someone to pass out.”

the room is silent for a while as hoseok’s words stew in the air, but then jinsoo’s feet move towards them slowly, “changkyun, if you were hurt before this-”

changkyun interrupts him, shaking his head frantically. the movement makes his vision shake but his body refuses to stay still, heart beating like a boxer against his ribs. “N-no, hyung-”

“ _changkyun_ ,” hoseok’s sharp voice forces his words to die in his throat, the god-awful taste of bile rising in his throat at the sheer tone of anger in his voice (hoseok has never been good at controlling his emotions). hyunwoo’s hand settles gently on his shoulder, pressing unintentionally against a tender bruise but changkyun doesn’t move, doesn’t breathe, even as his leader’s calm voice takes over, “changkyun-ah, please tell us the truth.”

he doesn’t say anything, _can’t_ say anything between the lack of oxygen in his lungs and the panic blinding his mind. they must take his silence as a confirmation because seconds later he hears jinsoo’s sigh with startling clarity, and it feels like lead has replaced his blood when the chipped words fly out of their annoyed manager’s mouth. “changkyun,” the manager snaps, exasperated, “ _all_ of this could have been avoided if you spoke up for once. it’s not fair to you, and not fair to any of your hyungs, when you let yourself get hurt and then hide it. next time something happens, tell us immediately so we don’t have to waste all this time for something that could’ve been handled easily.”

the words are harsh, but through the haze changkyun doesn’t catch the worried lilt in their manager’s voice. Changkyun _knew_ he was wasting their time, but hearing those very words pass from jinsoo’s voice solidifies his insecurities. _what did i tell you_? hyunsik laughs coldly into changkyun’s ringing ears, _can’t even take care of yourself, so you have to burden your precious hyungs like this. even hoseok, sweet hoseok, can’t stand you right now. how pathetic._

with a still-bowed head and now shame-reddened cheeks, changkyun heaves a weak apology, “i... i’m sorry.”

he doesn’t make a sound as jinsoo herds them out of the hospital and into the van. hoseok is silent beside him too, but changkyun can feel the anger rolling off of him in waves. it makes changkyun sick to his stomach knowing that _he’s_ the reason for hoseok’s fury. the atmosphere around them is cold and barren - too much does it remind changkyun of their first meeting, on that stupid survival show in that stupid restaurant. the feeling of _alone_ hits him just as bad as it had before, just as painful, but just as deserved. 

(he doesn’t want to go back to that, but changkyun knows it was only a matter of time before he does.)

 

changkyun makes a beeline to his shared bedroom once they get back to the dorm, ignoring the four others in favour of burying himself under his covers. the shaking in his fingers had started halfway through their trek back to the dorm, and changkyun was barely able to hold himself together long enough to make it inside. _weak, weak, weak_ , he chides, finally letting his tears slip. they _knew_ , they knew he was hurt and now they’re _angry_ , all of them, and it’s _all his fault_.

 _can’t do anything but make trouble, huh, changkyun?_ he shoves a shaking knuckle between his teeth to muffle his sob, but it does nothing to quell the wet hiccups from raking his chest. everything feels _raw_ , the dorm much colder than it’s ever been - all because of _changkyun_ , because of him and his stupid problems and his stupid weakness. contempt stirs in his chest, a well acquainted curtain of self-hate clawing it’s way up to the surface once again. with nothing to protect himself from it’s claws, changkyun let’s himself fall into the abyss of his own truth.

his bitten nails, like sharp claws, scratch into the soft flesh of his thighs until he feels the sting of an open wound, the wet feeling of blood beneath his fingernails feels like a sweet release against the pressure in his head, his heart. the controlled pain is grounding, from his canines digging roughly into his knuckle to the nails digging tender wounds into his thighs - it pulls changkyun back from the hole he was too close to falling into. he lets himself break, then, safely hidden under his blankets and away from his hyungs’ cold eyes and disappointmented expressions, with the flow of blood and tears serving a reminder that hyunsik was right.

he deserves this _._

(hyunsik will be angry when he finds out changkyun went to the hospital for something as stupid as _this,_ but for some reason, changkyun isn’t scared. while the idea of being alone with an angry hyunsik is nothing changkyun isn’t already familiar with, there’s usually an underlying fear of the man swimming under changkyun's skin. but now, there’s _nothing_ \- changkyun supposes he should be grateful, but he’s not.)

as his tears fade, so does everything else. the fear, the pain, everything. he can hear the bustling of his hyungs through the closed door, the smell of food assaulting his nose.  laughing bitterly, changkyun pulls his knuckle from between his teeth with blood on his tongue. they hadn’t even called him when dinner arrived, but changkyun shakes away the bitterness - _they already gave up on you, remember?_ nothing ever changed, truthfully. the promises of brotherhood were - _are_ \- just lies for the camera, after all. it’s only a matter of time before they all realize how much of a burden changkyun is and leave him behind; today must have been the breaking point. the noise echoing through the door confirms it. changkyun feels like an idiot for ever letting himself get close, letting himself get _weak_ ; this is what hyunsik was trying to tell him, why he’s trying to help him, and changkyun’s only now realising it.

(he let himself get too comfortable in a place he doesn’t belong, with people he’s not worthy of, and this is his punishment.)

 _“_ it’s okay,"changkyun whispers, bloodshot eyes staring blankly at the ceiling above him. _i won’t be a problem anymore,_ he promises silently. he can take this, changkyun _needs_ to. he’ll do everything in his power to stop causing trouble, stay out of their way and just do what he’s supposed to.

(even if he has to take a step back and watch from afar; as long as _they’re_ smiling, changkyun can deal with it.)

the emptiness in his chest is like a gaping void, and within a blink, it’s like he’s back on the couch with nothing but his aches and his tears to keep him company. _it’s okay_ , he tells himself, again and again, curling his knees up to his chest tightly, _it’s okay._

(it’s a desolate feeling, but this is what changkyun deserves, remember? ) **  
**


	4. till it happens to you, you don't know (how it feels)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> everything gets too much, changkyun breaks a little bit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anyway, i'm basing changkyuns reactions off of my own personal experiences along with what i've witnessed from some people i know, so take with a grain of salt.  
> i also hope you understand how i'm portraying the rest of the members in this series. they're frustrated, and they don't know what to do with changkyun while he's acting like this, and while they still don't know what he's going through. in kihyun's case, he's still gruff like normal and cares a lot about changkyun, but he's super frustrated, and he's not quite sure how to handle him. ik it's mostly been focused on kihyun as of now, but we'll be getting more into the other members next chapter. 
> 
> warnings: self harm

when changkyun wakes up in the morning, things _almost_ seem okay. jooheon is snoring underneath him, dead to the world, and kihyun and hoseok can be heard bickering about something (probably trivial) in the kitchen. under the guise of a warm atmosphere, changkyun _almost_ forgets about the concussion wracking his brain. _almost_ forgets the god-awful emptiness in his chest.

until kihyun barges in through the bedroom door calling for breakfast in an unusually pinched voice and the peaceful dream is shattered. changkyun heaves himself up off the bed, a rush of vertigo passing through him at the sudden movement - suddenly, the thought of food is nauseating. a shaky groan slips past his lips as changkyun lets his body fall back onto the mattress.

“what are you doing,” kihyun barks, slapping his clothed leg gently, “get up.”

changkyun flinches, drawing his abused leg closer to his body. his hand rests faintly against his stomach, “i don’t… i don’t feel well, hyung.”

“changkyun-ah…” kihyun’s eyes soften but changkyun forces down the yearning ache in his chest; _it’s not real_. the pink haired man shakes his head stubbornly, “no, you need to eat. you’re staying home for the day and you’re _going_ to behave, alright? you’ve got a concussion, and that means you’re going to take care of yourself.” ****  
** **

changkyun wants to argue - he opens his mouth to do so - but kihyun levels him with a look that sends a cold chill down his spine. so he bows his head and nods, lets his body drop down onto the ground to follow kihyun into the hall. his feet drag behind him, vision swimming as his concussed brain protests at the bright lights of the kitchen. kihyun’s hand is gentle on his shoulder, guiding him to his spot at the table, and changkyun tries not to lean into the comforting touch.

(it feels like forever since someone’s touched him like this, soft and gentle and well meaning. he’s so used to the pain, so used to having to worry about someone pushing him too hard, touching him too rough, that _this_ … soft touches and gentle holds - it’s unexpected.

even jinsoo’s hand on his shoulder, in the doctor’s office, left him tense with unintentional fear.. something deep in the back of his mind was telling him to watch out, waiting for the pain, but the only thing to surface was a strange sense of comfort.)

as... as comforting as the touch is, kihyun’s hand makes him uncomfortable. he’s going to become weak ( _weaker_ ) if he lets himself lean on them again. so, after stomping out the bud of guilt blooming in his chest, changkyun pulls away from kihyun quickly, sliding into his seat without sparing another glance to the older man.

(he doesn't see the way kihyun's expression falls, defeated.)

****

breakfast is relatively silent. there's small talk here and there, but changkyun doesn’t miss the tense atmosphere surrounding all of them. like glass, it's like everything they worked for shattered the night before - because of changkyun concussion, because of his own damn stupidity. they were already walking on thin ice because of him, for him, and now he’s done nothing but make it worse.

the food in his bowl looks less appealing than it had before, suddenly, a wave of nausea washing over him. silently, changkyun slides away from the table to take his almost full bowl back to the kitchen. he barely makes it to the kitchenette before the bowl clatters sharply onto the counter as his stomach lurches, curling himself over the sink in case he throws up. he wasn’t lying, earlier - his stomach _does_ hurt, like all his anxiety decided to try and force it’s way back up his throat in the form of vomit (the thick-cut tension at the table only made the feeling worse).

changkyun startles when a hand lands on the small of his back, choking on his spit. “changkyun?” it’s hyunwoo, all gentle hands and hesitant words,  “what’s wrong?”

changkyun shakes his head weakly. he tries to lean away from the touch, but between hyunwoo and the sink, there’s nowhere for changkyun to go. “i-i’m fine,” he gags around his words, blinking away blurry vision, “m’st’ve ate too much.”

if hyunwoo notices the barely-eaten food in his bowl, he says nothing - instead, his hand runs down changkyun’s spine in an action that should be placating, yet it makes the knot in his stomach tighter. but hyunwoo doesn’t take the cue, he doesn’t notice the way changkyun’s shoulder start to shake under his hand. he only pulls away when kihyun rushes into the kitchen with a bottle of water in his hands.

“here, changkyun-ah,” the vocalist says, his tone apologetic and soft as he uncaps the bottle, pressing it to changkyun chapped lips, “i’m sorry, i should have listened when you said you weren’t feeling well. this’ll help settle your stomach.”

changkyun almost laughs, swallowing down his dry, bitter snort with the first gulp of room-temperature water. kihyun was only trying to be a good hyung (no matter how much changkyun didn’t deserve his kindness), there’s nothing to apologise for - _changkyun_ ’s the one who should be apologising. he’s the one who should be grovelling at their feet, begging for forgiveness (like he hasn’t already lost every shred of dignity) so their kindness isn’t wasted on someone so… undeserving. ****  
** **

(it’s a little fucked up, the more he thinks about it, how low he considers himself. _though,_ he thinks, _it’s only the truth_.)

before he knows it, changkyun’s laid out on the couch, a soft pillow under his head and a blanket tucked around him. he can’t quite recall how he got here - clearly, at least. somewhere in between kihyun’s apologies and the water, changkyun threw up again. his empty stomach aches but somehow, he doesn’t really mind. the feeling takes his thoughts away from the pounding in his head, and if he concentrates on it, his gnawing insecurity goes with it.

“don’t get up unless you need to, no television, and don’t go on your phone,” kihyun nags gently, pausing briefly, “but make sure you call hyunsik-hyung if you need help, or if you’re feeling pain.” changkyun flinches at hyunsik’s name (he’s definitely not going to be calling), looking away as kihyun levels him with a stern look, ‘promise me, changkyun.”

still looking away, changkyun nods. his voice is barely above a whisper when he says, “i promise.” ****  
** **

the rest of them rush out soon after that, and when the door clicks closed with a soft slam, changkyun lets his body fall lax. the dorm is unsettling when he’s alone, too quiet and lifeless - but changkyun figures it suits him (also quiet and lifeless) more than anything. but being alone, in the deafening silence, in a place filled with some of his best and worst memories, gives changkyun too much freedom to travel to places he knows he shouldn’t.

his thoughts raged against him like his worst enemy, let themselves loose the longer he sat there. he thinks, and that’s one thing changkyun always makes sure _not_ to do. but right now, it’s all he _can_ do. with his barriers dead and gone, stripped away from him like wool on a sheep, everything tries to shove their way forward at the same time.

it’s overwhelming and it makes his brain throb, but changkyun doesn’t do anything to stop it. instead, he closes his eyes and embraces the suffocating feeling of his own insecurities. they press harshly against him in a way that’s almost comforting, and maybe it’s the concussion, or maybe it’s his bone-deep exhaustion, but changkyun starts to drift off to sleep again. wrapped up in the blanket, almost too hot, he lets himself forget the pain in his bones, the migraine, the racing thoughts.

(there’s nothing he can possibly fuck up if he falls asleep, right?)

****

he wakes up after who-knows-how-long, feeling immensely worse than before. it’s like all his aches, previously numbed and forgotten, have been poked and prodded, and his head swims with dizziness. he’s too hot, sweat dripping down his face, but all of that is almost buried under the burning in his veins. there’s an itch under his skin, pressing against sensitive veins and fragile skin. changkyun chokes on the irrational wave of panic that rushes through him - he needs to get up.

 _it hurts_ , he chokes, shakily pushing himself up off the couch. he needs to stop it, needs to stamp out the fire. changkyun’s hands shake when he stumbles towards the bathroom, fingers scratching weakly against the walls as he tries to hold himself up.

he doesn’t know why he’s panicking - it’s over-dramatic, unnecessary ( _ike him_ ), but it’s there and he just wants it to _stopstopstopstop-_

his back hits the edge of the tub painfully, the rim digging into his bruises, but changkyun doesn’t care. his hands shakily sift through his toiletry bag, hissing in relief as his fingers scrape against the sharp edge of a razor blade.

cold, comforting relief rushes through him when the skin on his hips splits, hot blood running sweetly down his fingers. _you’re fucked,_ hyunsik tells him, a familiar tone of disgust in his voice, _what would_ they _think if they saw you like this?_ changkyun’s laugh is empty, hateful, as the blade rips up his sensitive skin.

what _would_ they think? hyungwon's disgusted sneer and kihyun’s cold glare flash through his mind - no doubt they’d hate him, they’d probably call him over-dramatic and weak and they’d hate him even more. changkyun wouldn’t even be mad, because it's what he deserves. _a weakling who’s done nothing more than drag this group down_. changkyun sits with teary eyes and stuttering breaths, pressing the blade in deeper when his hyung’s disappointed faces get clearer in his vision, _look at you, changkyun._

another empty laugh tumbles from his trembling lips, a pitiful sob following after it. he sits there for a while, coated in his own blood and crying like a baby. changkyun stopped cutting once his sobs started, clutching the blade recklessly in his hand and letting the slice in his palm anchor him down (but hyunsik is still there, still _mocking_ him and his pain, still ripping every last shred of dignity out of him).

the bathroom is cold, much like the dorm, much like changkyun. he doesn’t want to be here anymore, changkyun doesn’t _want_ this. he doesn’t want the thoughts, he doesn’t want the pain, the stress, the _weakness_ \- changkyun wants it all to _stop_.

 

20 minutes later, changkyun breathes in the air like a greedy man, letting the stale air fill his lungs and clear his mind. sitting here, with blood caking his fingers and ripped skin, a bruised body and a broken heart, changkyun has nothing left to lose, nothing to gain. there’s nothing, _he’s_ nothing. in that moment, it was as if something in him died. like changkyun was finally pushed past his breaking point.

“maybe he’s right,” changkyun whispers to himself in the silence, staring blankly at the bathroom ceiling. hyunsik always carried some truth to his words, after all. changkyun knows he’s the problem, he’s been trying to fix himself so he _stopped_ being the problem - but look how far _that_ ’s getting him. ****  
** **

_you want to stop being so worthless?_ changkyun closes his eyes again, resting his head back against the rim of the tub, _then change yourself._

“change myself,” changkyun mouths, absent-mindedly cleaning up all the spilled blood and flushing it down the toilet. with his razor hidden back in his bag and his jeans pulled up to hide the marks on his hips, changkyun drops himself back onto the couch. his cuts burn when he lays on his stomach, but again, the controlled pain is more of a comfort than anything else. he shifts, ever so slightly, just to feel the sting of his wounds dragging across the hem of his jeans. he presses incessant fingers against his most tender bruises. anything, _anything_ , to distract himself.

loneliness prods at him like an chisle the longer he lays there with nothing but the silence to accompany him. staring at the blackened television, changkyun doesn’t move from his position on the couch until it’s well into the evening. he hears the front door open, hears the rest of his bandmates file in too loudly, but he still doesn’t move. he feels kihyun lean over him and check his temperature, hears him ask a question changkyun only hums at.

well into the night, unable to find sleep once again, changkyun stares at the blank television in silence.

   
_change myself._


	5. till it happens to you, you won't know (it won't be real)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what is plot??? idk her???? this isn't going in the direction i had planned it for, but i hope this makes sense??? i dont even kno where im going with this, so maybe this storys getting a little disjointed??? idk???? if something doesnt make sense, feel free to tell me soz

the next few days pass by in a blur. changkyun can’t quite force himself out of bed until long after the rest of them have left, the food left out for him staying cold and untouched. his stomach starts to protest sometime after the third ( _second? fourth?)_  day without eating, but changkyun just can’t. he can’t even stand looking at the food without wanting to be sick, mixed feelings of both guilt and anger and disappointment and anxiety leaving his head whirling and his stomach churning.

the cuts on his hips sting with every move, scraping against the hem of his sweats, but changkyun relishes in the pain, the burn. there’s blood caked under his torn fingernails, forgotten and dirty and gross (like him), from all the times he’s dug his fingers into the stinging wounds on his hips in order to feel something, _anything_ other than empty.

someone always checks on him before they leave, tries to talk to him, but changkyun barely remembers what they’ve said before he’s pulled back down into the haze. today it’s minhyuk ( _or is it hoseok?_ ), big, soft hands petting the back of his head and running down his back, touching him as if he’s going to break (maybe he is). changkyun wants to pull away from whoever it is, the supposed-to-be comforting touch only leaves him feeling _worse_. he doesn’t _want_ to feel their gentleness, their care - changkyun doesn’t deserve it. he whispers something changkyun doesn’t hear, but then there’s a kiss pressed to the back of his head before minhyuk ( _hoseok?_ ) leaves the bedroom.

as soon as the dorm’s front door clicks shut, changkyun let’s his tears fall. they’re hot against his cold cheeks, salty trails of his hopelessness. “tears are for the weak,” he mutters to himself.

 _but that’s exactly what you are. weak._  

changkyun’s eyes squeeze shut as the taloned grip of hyunsik’s words come back to wrap around his thoughts like a strangling vine. _stop it,_ he chides, pressing his fists against his eyes roughly, _you can’t be weak anymore. you can’t be a burden again_. colour bleeds behind his eyelids as his knuckles dig into the hollow of his eyes. he takes a breath, and then another, and another, until his lungs are full. the smoke is suffocating, blackening his lungs and choking him out, but it’s okay. _it’s fine_.

the cloud passes after a while and changkyun feels infinite times worse. changkyun’s stomach prangs with hunger, but the darkened room shakes when he finally pries his eyes open and his his limbs feel too light, yet too heavy, to move. he doesn’t want to get up anyway, doesn’t want to leave the safe, solitary security of his cocoon of blankets. _i’m fine_ , he reminds himself.

 

another some hours pass without notice. by the time changkyun brings himself back the front door is creaking open and the dorm fills his boisterous conversation. he tries his best to ignore it, tries to push down the burn in his chest, and shoves his head under the pillow (the bruise on his head protests to his roughness, but changkyun doesn’t really care anymore). he lets himself fade away into the noise, the static, lying numbly and not quite there.

(he both hates and loves the feeling of not feeling anything. no pain, no guilt, no hurt, but it’s suffocating and at times, terrifying.)

changkyun doesn’t register the hand on his back until he’s shaken, and he flinches away from the touch, curling his arms tighter around the pillow over his head.

“baby?” it’s minhyuk, for sure, with a pretty voice tightened with something akin to worry and softened by care, “you didn’t eat the food kihyunnie left for you. does your stomach still hurt?”

changkyun doesn’t answer - _can’t_ answer, but he hopes minhyuk takes it as a hint to leave him alone (he doesn’t deserve to be spoken to so tenderly, not yet). minhyuk’s hand moves to rest on his shoulder, and then curls around changkyun’s hand, and changkyun tries not to tear himself away. “changkyunnie, come on, talk to me. your hyungs are worried about you, baby, please-”

when minhyuk tries to pull the pillow away, changkyun can’t hold himself back. his chest aches ( _frustration_ _or loneliness, which is it?_ ), white rushing over his vision as he rips his hand, his arm, from minhyuk’s soft grip and sits up. “don’t touch me,” he hisses, unintentionally, glaring at minhyuk’s nose because he can’t bring himself to look into the man’s warm eyes, “i’m fine, minhyuk-hyung.”

even to changkyun, himself, he sounds _far_ from fine. his voice cracks around every word, throat parched and dry - changkyun isn’t even sure how he managed to choke out his words around lump in his throat, but he did, and minhyuk makes a sound. a soft, sad noise that almost resembles the whimper of an injured puppy.

“yah, changkyun,” minhyuk says after a moment, his voice shaking, “d-don’t speak to your hyung like that! tell me what’s wrong.”

minhyuk, for all the sweetness in him, it’s rivaled by his stubbornness, and changkyun knows this. changkyun also knows the shake in his voice is only there when he’s caught off guard, hurt. changkyun’s chest aches for his hyung, the familiar feeling of wanting to apologise and grovel until minhyuk forgives him returning.

 _stop_. his head is throbbing. his eyes burn and his hips sting and his stomach hurts.

“i'm fine, hyung.” is all changkyun says, finality lacing his hoarse voice. _be strong, minhyuk deserves better than_ you _anyway._ he tries to ignore the misplaced sense of betrayal when minhyuk huffs and storms out of the room, curling tighter under his blankets.

(it doesn’t work.)

  


changkyun wakes up again, this time to a sharp pain in his stomach. he manages to muffle his gasp, curling his arms tightly around his stomach to relieve the pain. his eyes take in the darkened bedroom, blinking away the blurriness in his vision. he can hear jooheon’s soft snoring from the bunk below him, and one look over the edge of the bed confirms that both kihyun and minhyuk are both sound asleep. he’s not sure what time is it, but changkyun knows it’s late.

carefully, wincing as his stomach pangs with pain again, changkyun makes his way down the bunk bed ladder, padding out of the room silently. his legs shake under him, toes tingling numbly with every step, but he’s careful not to make any noise as he enters the darkened kitchen.

he fills a glass with water, sliding down against one of the bottom cupboards until his butt hits the cold floor, giving his tired legs a rest. changkyun can barely keep his eyes open, even after he’s sat down, and when he raises the glass to his lips, he catches his hands shaking the same way they’d been earlier. (it’s a side effect of having not eaten these last few days, he knows, but what good will eating do when he’ll just end up throwing it back up?)

****

he whimpers as the cold water slides down his dry throat, the water uncomfortable in his empty stomach - but it’s better than nothing. changkyun lets himself sit there for a few minutes, curled up on the kitchen floor. the silence in the dorm isn’t as cold as it had been, it’s almost… _peaceful_ , with (almost) all of them peacefully asleep. it’s comforting, in a way. there’s no judgement, so anger, only soft breaths and tired men.

changkyun wiggles his numb toes and bites onto the edge of the cup when pain shoots through his stomach again. the cuts on his hips burn uncomfortably with his position, but changkyun doesn’t want to get up, not yet. he wants to sit here, surrounded by nothing and protected by the tired silence. strangely enough, when he’d woken up, aside from the pain in his stomach, changkyun felt okay. the whirlwind of negativity and hate is absent.

( _or maybe you’re just too broken to feel it anymore_?)

his eyes slip shut, the glass still held between his teeth even as his breathing evens out. changkyun’s thoughts are still for once, non-threatening and docile. he knows the reprieve won’t last - _god_ , they come few and far in between, but he supposes it’s okay to let himself take advantage of it. just this once.

****

“changkyun-ah? what are you doing up?”

startled, the glass almost flies from his hands and changkyun’s eyes snap open, flying over to hoseok. the kitchen is bathed in soft lighting once hoseok walks closer, yawning behind his hand. “it’s like, 3am,” he sighs stopping in front of changkyun’s socked feet, “you should be in bed.”

changkyun can’t find his words, still gaping up at hoseok like an idiot. _no no no,_ he mutters silently, pulling his lip between his teeth, _go away_. he doesn’t want to see hoseok. changkyun doesn’t want to relive the anger on his hyung’s face again. “w-water,” is all he manages to say, voice barely above a whisper.

hoseok nods, mouth dropping open softly as he looks at the empty cup in changkyun shaking hands. changkyun watches him purse his lips, stomach tumbling with something other than his stomach ache ( _you’ve made him angry and it’s barely been a minute_ , a voice snickers into his ear, _good job_ ). changkyun looks down at the ground shamefully, fully expecting the man to turn around and leave him to himself again.

but to his surprise, hoseok drops down in front of him, sitting criss-cross. “hey, ‘kyun,” he starts softly, drumming on the floor right in front of changkyun left foot, not quite touching but still too close. his voice is just as quiet as changkyun’s was, but there’s something in it that has changkyun heart dropping to his feet, “i know you weren’t telling the truth, back in the doctor’s office.”

changkyun doesn’t look up, ice in his veins. hoseok... hoseok _couldn’t_ possibly have figured it out, he - he just _couldn’t._ “now, i don’t know what you’re hiding, exactly, but,” hoseok continues in that warm, gentle voice of his, placing his hand on changkyun’s knee, “whatever it is… changkyunnie, i know it’s hurting you- _we_ know it’s hurting you.”

changkyun _shakes_ under hoseok’s hand, tears welling up in his eyes and he wants to curse for being so _weak_ ( _stop crying stop crying stop it_ ). hoseok’s touch is almost too hot when he brings his palms up to hold changkyun’s cheeks, a comforting flame against frozen skin. thumbs wipe away the water falling from the corners of his eyes, and when changkyun looks up, his heart stutters at the expression on the vocalist’s face.

hoseok’s eyebrows are pinched, bottom lip pulled between his teeth. he looks… _worried_ , almost heartbroken, as he looks down at changkyun. but…. there’s no way that expression when for _him_ … right?

( _hoseok-hyung’s always been the most empathetic of the bunch, hasn’t he? it’s only natural that he gets like this when the people around him are troubled._ )

“changkyun, you can come to me, to _any of us_ ,” he whispers, voice wobbling over his words, and the infliction does nothing but make the suppressed feeling of guilt rise doubly in changkyun’s chest _._ “we’re your hyungs, baby, let us take care of you.”

suddenly, the warmth burns and changkyun wants it to _stop._ he pries himself out of hoseok’s hold, shooting up on trembling legs. his sudden movement knocks hoseok back with a gasp, but changkyun doesn’t notice. “i’m _fine_ , hyung. i said i was _fine_ ,” the words come out weaker than he wanted them to, nothing more than a pathetic whimper of breath, but he says them nonetheless.

the cup drops with a muted _clink_ into the sink, and save for changkyun stuttering breath the kitchen is silent. changkyun doesn’t look at hoseok as he leaves - _can’t_ look at him (he can’t bear to see hoseok’s heartbroken face). and hoseok doesn’t stop him, he’s silent, eerily so.

as he treks shakily back to his bedroom, changkyun can’t help but feel like something has broken. something, he’s not sure he can repair.

(and it’s _all his fault._ )


	6. you tell me hold your head up (hold your head up and be strong)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im not happy with this chapter, but it's the best i could do given the fact that this whole fic is a fucking mess. But it's a vent fic and I need to vent. thank you to everyone still reading. this chapter is short, but its the segway into the second half of the fic. on that note....
> 
> if anybody is struggling, please, reach out to somebody. you don't have to do it alone. take care of yourselves, surround yourselves with as many good things as you can. you all deserve to be happy, you all deserve to shine

changkyun’s back in action two days later. the throbbing in the back of his head has long since disappeared (morphed into an endless migraine, but it's _fine_ , _he’s fine_ ) but he’s still not allowed to dance, to practice for another week. he watches as they practice and improve and work hard while he sits on his ass and does _nothing_ (not that he could do much anyway, in the state he’s in), or hides away in one of the empty studios, burying himself pages of lyrics that can’t be used.

though more often than not, he spends the group practice days in his studio, hiding like a coward because he can’t stand being in the same room as the rest of them, knowing and feeling just how useless he is, knowing how much he’s ruining. changkyun can’t explain it but, after hoseok approached him in the kitchen, things… changed. it’s as if they’re back to square one, right after _no.mercy_ but this time… it's different this time. this time things feel...

 _hopeless_.

it’s as if there’s a wall built up between them and changkyun, reinforced and bulletproof and he doesn’t know what to do - so he lets it be. it’s his own fault, and maybe it’s for the best anyway. this way, he won’t bother them while he tries to fix himself, make him _worthy_ of being here. “ _you don’t deserve it_ ,” hyunsik keeps telling him, but changkyun already knows, the whole world knows.

(he _doesn’t_ deserve it. not now, maybe not ever, but with hyunsik’s help, maybe he will, one day.)

so he does what he can do be a good maknae instead. it’s the least he can do for them while after constantly burdening them. like a good maknae, he’s quiet and complacent, he listens when they tell him to do something, or when the managers come around to monitor him. the change is nothing big, but it’s a step in the right direction of what he needs to be.

nobody really bothers him anymore, really. hyunwoo already has too much on his plate, between his duties as leader and working on their comeback, and kihyun’s long since given up on him, minhyuk skirts around him, while hoseok stares (glares?) at him from behind. changkyun hasn’t seen much of hyungwon, in between his own schedule and changkyun’s cowardice, but jooehon…  jooheon hovers around him still, but he’s hesitant and careful, as if he’s afraid to approach - something he’s never been before.

and that hurts most, because changkyun _knows_ this is his fault, the distance and the tenseness but he can’t do anything to change it. changkyun never thought he could fuck things up even more, but no matter what he does, he makes everything worse. as much as he tries to convince himself, _it’s for the best, it’ll be okay_ , he knows it’s not. he _knows_ he’s tearing everything they’ve worked for apart. he guilt starts to pile up more and more so changkyun does what he knows how to to best: he runs. he finds himself spending more and more time in the practice rooms, the studio, working himself until he’s too exhausted to feel the aching in his muscles (and his heart), working to catch up to the others, to be _perfect_ \- but nothing he does is ever perfect and changkyun is drowning.  


nobody seems to notice - or care - when changkyun starts staying back later, missing meals and rarely coming back to the dorms with the rest of them, or even at all. nobody gives him strange looks or questions him anymore when he parts with them after their group practices, but changkyun’s okay with it (or, as okay with it as he can be). they have other things to worry about, they don’t need to waste their time on _him_. the break in between promotions means changkyun doesn’t have to worry too much about covering up the increasing amount of discolouration painting his skin - but it also means more time for hyunsik to throw him around however he likes.

changkyun tries not to mind - truthfully, he doesn’t _that_ much anymore. by now, he can barely register the pain from every much-deserved hit. it’s the confusing confliction of betrayal with acceptance that bothers him most, now. he knows, somewhere deep down, that what’s happening is bad, that hyunsik is _bad_ and that changkyun should get away, but he also knows that this is his own fault, that he’s dug himself into this hole of self-hatred, that hyunsik wants to help him get of that place, to be better.

whichever one to listen to, changkyun doesn’t know. he’s already poisoned with his own negativity, drowning in it, and with every passing day the saccharine yet painful words hyunsik whispers to him become more and more alluring.

(and more and more true.)

plus, lately hyunsik’s been softer on him, so maybe changkyun’s finally doing something right? he’s stopped berating him for every little thing, patting his head and stroking his back whenever changkyun does something to please him, smiling at him with no malice (almost _kindly_ ). " _You’re finally getting somewhere, changkyun-ah,_ ” he’d whisper, “ _maybe you aren’t as worthless as everyone initially thought._ ” he thought he was improving, he thought hyunsik’s help was finally paying off, he thought that maybe, _maybe_ , he was finally strong enough to be the person everyone wanted him to be.

it’s shameful how quickly changkyun let himself fall into that misplaced sense of security. he should have known. nothing good ever comes to him, for him, because he doesn’t deserve it. he _should have known_. it’s this day, after a particularly awful group practice that left nobody happy, that changkyun finally learns to stop expecting anything good.

the door to his studio slams open, and the moment hyunsik strides through, eyes cold and a familiar, sickeningly giddy smirk pulling at his lips, all hope left in his chest is crushed. “changkyun-ah,” hyunsik hums in that same kind drawl he’d been using for the last few days.

_i should have known._


	7. 'Cause when you fall, you gotta get up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm at a super low and probably failing all of my classes, so what better to do than write angst. i overuse the word "knows" a lot, sorry... 
> 
> um. this chapter is more... graphic than the others, i think. the rising action of the story, some would say, leading to the climax - he'll be okay soon
> 
> i updated the tags, by the way

changkyun’s heart races painfully in  his chest as hyunsik leaves, fingers wound tightly into the fabric over his heart. the sound of the  studio door slamming shut once again seems to shift the air back to reality, and changkyun heaves and chokes and vomits into the waste bin beside his desk. his throat feels as if it’s closing on him, choking him for air even as he heaves and heaves and _heaves_.

the phantom weight of hyunsik’s fingers on his jaw are a solemn reminder of what happened, what _will_ happen (changkyun hopes, dearly, that he doesn’t bruise). the man had been so _angry_ , so infuriated for a reason changkyun just couldn’t understand. the sheer look of anger and… _something_  in his eyes after he’d stormed in, glaring at changkyun as if _he_ were the reason it was there - like _he_ had done something unforgivable.

(and maybe he had.)

hyunsik had done nothing more than shove him back against the corner of his desk, grab his jaw, and threaten him, but _god_ , somehow it felt worse than any beating he’s gotten so far. _“you better keep your mouth shut,_ ” hyunsik had growled, with his nails digging painfully on the underside of his jaw, “ _or else._ ”

(somewhere in his mind he _knows_ what that “or else” meant, he knows, he _knows_.)

changkyun sobs hoarsely into the waste bin, throwing up nothing but stomach acid and spit at this point, but the clogging in his throat just wouldn’t go away. it crawls up his esophagus and swells, it bleeds through his chest and clogs his lungs, it’s _choking him_. changkyun can feel the snot running from his nose and the tears falling from his eyes, spit and vomit dripping from his mouth, gross, messy, but he can’t do anything but let the panic drag him under its weighted claws and pull him under.

 

he doesn’t remember passing out, but the next time he opens his eyes his phone is ringing and the clock reads _12:27 A.M_. his face feels gross, dried tears and snot and spit flaking off as he wipes at it, mind almost numb to the fact that despite him sleeping ( _passing out, more like_ ) for a straight 11 hours, he feels _worse_. his cellphone ringing brings him out of his stupor, and changkyun gasps as jooheon’s name flashes across the screen. _fuck_ , he thinks, looking back and forth between the clock and jooheon’s name.

“where the hell are you?” is the first thing jooheon says when he picks up, voice tight through the speaker. “we have practice in half an hour and you didn’t even come back last night.”

changkyun stutters over his words, jaw stiff as he tries to form words. “i-” changkyun winces when his voice cracks, subtly clearing his throat, “i m-must’ve fallen asleep in my studio… sorry hyung…”

jooheon sighs through the phone, and his next words are so clipped that changkyun heart skips a beat as guilt settles in his stomach, “it’s not _me_ you should be apologising to. just get over here before 1, okay?”

the call ends after that, with nothing more than changkyun weak affirmation as a goodbye. _I…_ he thinks, eyes stinging with tears, _i did it again_. his stomach churns with anxiety and he almost throws up again (but there’s really nothing left to choke up, now is there?), but he pushes it down and forces himself up off the ground. changkyun’s knees crack and his back throbs from where hyunsik had shoved him against the desk, and as soon as he stands the world spins on it’s axis and sends him stumbling - but other than that, he’s fine. _this is nothing_ , he can deal with this.

 _i’m fine_.

it’s 12:40 by the time he makes it out of his studio, quickly ducking into the bathroom to fix his clothes and wash his face and check his jaw for bruising (thankfully, there’s none, but the small, sharp indents of hyunsik’s fingers are still left on his skin). he looks just as awful as he feels, but changkyun sucks in a breath and shakes his head; _i’m fine_. _it’s only a few hours._

 

he makes it to the practice room, just as the clock hits 12:57, and all of his hyungs turn to look ( _glare_ ) at him as he walks through the door. changkyun averts his eyes, anxiety curling further in his stomach - he can’t bare it, to look at them, to see their faces contorting with disappointment and annoyance, can’t bare to see them look at him the same way they did during _no.mercy_. but the moment he looks away, he locks eyes with hyunsik, standing alongside their other manager, and every hair on his body stands up on edge.

(hyunsik sends him a smile and a wink, and changkyun feels like he’s going to pass out.)

“ah, changkyunnie, decided to join us, have you? you’re right on time.” the jovial tone in hyunsik’s voice is forced and stiff, but nobody else seems to acknowledge it (or care). he nods towards the rest of the group, doing their stretches around the practice room, “go ahead, we still have some time before you guys start. the choreographer seems to be running a bit late too.”

changkyun nods meekly, shuffling away to one of the corners of the room, away from his hyungs, away from the managers, but hyunsik’s eyes are still trained on him, predatory. from the corner of his eye, he catches kihyun glance over at him before muttering something to hoseok, sees minhyuk lean over to chime in - too quietly for changkyun to hear, but he _knows_ they’re talking about him.

( _they know_ , the voice tells him, _they know how pathetic you are, they know you spent the night crying like the baby you are. they’re tired of it, tired of_ you _._ )

practice is stressful. between the shaking in his weak limbs and the fear of hyunsik’s eyes on him, changkyun keep stumbling and lagging behind and mixing up movements. he can feel the rest of them getting more and more irritated but he _can’t_ keep up, not with hyunsik’s eyes trained on him and him only, not when he can barely find the strength to pick up his limbs. his lungs rattle with exertion and exhaustion and that nasty itch under his skin comes back, leaving him to scratch at the skin of his arms and pick at the healing cuts on his thighs until they’re stinging, bubbling blood under his black sweats.

(their managers leave halfway through the practice, but changkyun can still feel _him_ , hovering and leering.)

nobody says anything for awhile, but he knows, _knows_ , they’re thinking it. “ _if changkyun weren’t here,_ ” if he weren’t here, they wouldn’t be so behind, his hyungs wouldn’t be getting snappy and irritated with one another, their choreographer wouldn’t be yelling at them to _do it again, do it again,_ every time they ( _changkyun_ ) mess up the steps and stumble and fall.

by the time the clock strikes 5, they’ve only been able to get a few good, full run-throughs of the choreography and changkyun feels completely _awful_. their choreographer calls practice to an end then, sighing and leaving them with an empty “good job today, boys” before he’s gone. changkyun crouches down tiredly, legs shaking with the strain of keeping himself up and his vision blacking out. the practice room door opens and shuts roughly, and changkyun’s afraid to look up to see who’d left - so he doesn’t. keeps his head down even as more of his hyungs leave, one after the other.

(it all goes by in a blur, and changkyun’s too far gone to really register more than that.)

 

“are you staying?” someone asks, voice soft yet rough, and changkyun looks up to meet hyunwoo’s tired eyes. the man is holding a water bottle out to changkyun, and he hesitantly takes it between his shaking fingers. the man’s voice nor his face betray anything, any he doesn’t _sound_ hostile, but changkyun _knows_ , he fucking _knows_ that hyunwoo is just as angry as the rest of them, he _knows_ that hyunwoo is cursing him and wishing he weren’t here, just like the rest of them, he _knows_ -

“changkyun?”

“y-yeah,” changkyun answers quickly, fiddling with the water bottle. they’re stagnant for a bit, silence hanging stale in the air, but before hyunwoo can leave, the apology flies from changkyun’s chapped lips, “i-i’m sorry, hyung… it’s b-because of me that….”

“It’s fine, changkun-ah.” hyunwoo’s hand comes to rest on the top of his head, ruffling his hair with a gentleness that made changkyun want to cry. “you’ve had it a bit… rough lately. anyone would be struggling.”

 _“rough” is an understatement,_ changkyun almost laughs, bitterly, but he swallows the ugly emotion until he can’t feel it anymore. _this is my own fault, anyway_ , he reminds himself. _h_ _e’s just saying that because it’s his job. don’t delude yourself, changkyun_.

the practice room is silent again, before hyunwoo speaks again, “don’t overwork yourself, okay?”

and just like that, hyunwoo was gone, leaving changkyun to his own thoughts.

 

changkyun manages to get in a good few more hours of practice, moving until he loses feeling in his legs, coming to an abrupt halt as his knees buckle and he drops to the wooden floor harshly. sweat pours down his face, drenching his shirt, leaving his hair to stick wetly to his forehead - changkyun doesn’t need to look in the mirrors to know he’s disgusting ( _but is there any difference normally? don’t be ashamed now, changkyun, you’ve been disgusting your whole life_ ). he barely manages to catch himself before slamming his face against the floor, his hands stinging with the force of his fall.

changkyun coughs raspily against the floor, eyes rolling back as dizziness starts to cloud his head. _stop being so weak_ , he tries to tell himself, biting back his tears when pain shoots through his empty stomach, when his thighs, ripped open and bleeding once again, sting as he moves. _stop being weak, stop it, stop it stop it-_

“yah, why are you slacking? _"_

changkyun freezes halfway through pushing himself back up when hyunsik’s voice cuts through the blaring music. he doesn’t dare look up as the sound immediately cuts off, leaving changkyun’s struggling breath and hyunsik’s approaching footsteps as the only sounds left in the room.

the footsteps stop in front of his bowed head, and changkyun’s blood runs ice cold. “who said you could slack, you brat. especially after slacking off so much already…” the cold touch of the tip of hyunsik’s shoe against his chin is almost _comforting_ in a way, but when hyunsik forces changkyun’s head up, he _knows_ this means nothing good. nothing good at all.

_no._

“looks like i’m just gonna have to teach you another lesson on not slacking off, huh?

_no no no-_

hyunsik kicks out his foot against his jaw and changkyun flies back, landing heavily on his ass. he has to bite down his scream of pain, hyunsik doesn’t like it when he’s loud, he doesn’t, he _doesn’t, he doesn’t like it when i’m loud-_

“get up. _now_.”

his limbs are numb, icy blood racing through his veins and fear-induced adrenaline the only reason he’s able to stand on his own two legs. his fingers tremble at his sides, wrapping around his stomach when hyunsik takes a step closer, and closer, and _closer_ , until the tips of their shoes are pressed together. the look of absolute terror on his face must not be hidden very well because hyunsik tilts his head and sends changkyun a smile. “you’re so _cute_ , you know that, changkyun-ah?”

changkyun flinches at the _compliment_ , forcing himself not to curl away when hyunsik’s fingers trail softly down his damp cheeks, dance down his neck, his arms, his sides, until they rest at his hips. changkyun can’t breath, can’t move - _this_ , this is new (this is _bad_ , sto _p it stop_ ). “so... so cute…”

without warning, hyunsik shoves him back against one of the wall mirrors, and changkyun cries out. “but you’re also so, _so_ pathetic.”

the first punch is expected, but it doesn’t hurt any less. hyunsik drives his fist into changkyun’s thinning stomach, knocking the air right out of him but leaving him no time to collect it before he’s pulling back to do it again. “you,” he starts, growling the word, “just can’t _fucking appreciate_ everything i’ve been doing for you, can you?”

pain explodes in his stomach and changkyun wants to throw up again, it hurts so _much_ , and hyunsik has his other arm against his neck now, keeps pushing and pushing and pushing until he _can’t breathe._ “s-stop,” changkyun cries, struggling underneath the arm pressed up against his neck. _stop it,_ he wants to cry, to scream and plead and beg, but nothing comes out.

“just... be good for me, for once, yeah?” hyunsik’s voice, though still carrying the same force as before, are softer, slower now - and somehow, that’s more terrifying. he loosens his arm just enough for changkyun to take a greedy breath of air. “be good for me, changkyun-ah….”

hyunsik’s fist drops open and his hand lands on changkyun’s stinging thigh, trailing up softly until it rests against his hip again. cold, ugly horror rips at changkyun’s brain once more, but everything he wants to say is clogged in his blocked throat; _no, nononono no no_ , _i don’t-_

( _you deserve this, just do one thing right for once, changkyun_ )

_no, no, no no-_

“and maybe…”

( _you’re nothing but a toy, you mean_ nothing _, changkyun_ )

_i don’t want-_

“you’ll get a reward...”

“ _stop it_ !” changkyun wails in pain as he throws one of his knees up, kneeing hyunsik right between the legs and catching him off guard enough that changkyun can slip out from under his arm. hyunsik only stumbles back, yelping in pain, but changkyun throws himself as far as he can, sobbing pathetically. _i can’t- i can’t do this anymore i can’t i can’t i can’t-_

“you fucking _brat_ ,” changkyun hears hyunsik snarl behind him, and changkyun squeezes his eyes shut, fingers curling against the floor as the man gets closer.

 

 _i’m sorry, hyungs,_ he sobs, gasping wetly when hyunsik kicks him in the back and knocks him over again, a fear so strong for his life pulsing through his veins. it’s all a blur after that, a flurry of numbness and pain as hyunsik leaps onto him and starts to beat him with a hatred changkyun hasn’t seen before. he can’t fight back, he _can’t_ do anything but raise his arms to protect his face, his neck, legs flailing under them with every painful, agonising blow, and every unwanted touch.

it fucking _hurts_ and changkyun doesn’t know how much more he can take. he doesn’t even register his own screaming until hyunsik tells him to _shut the fuck up_ , can’t feel anything but the aftershock of pain and the blood running from his own face.

 _pathetic_ , his brain tells him, _hyunsik_ tells him.

(and they’re right. he’s _pathetic._ he can’t even do anything but sit here and take it like the _weak, pathetic bitch he is_.)

 _“you’re better off dead,”_ hyunsik spits at him before he leaves, however long later, when changkyun’s eyes are unfocused and bruised and there’s a small pool of blood forming beside his head.

( _yeah, maybe i am._ ) 

changkyun’s eyes slip shut, too heavy against the strain of keeping them open. his nose throbs and his head is light. every breath rattles his chest painfully and changkyun wants to _die_. he’s nothing, never was, never will be - _nothing more than a burden_.

_pathetic._

_weak._

(he hopes this kills him. he hopes the strain on his body lets his heart give out, hopes the loss of blood is too much, he hopes, he hopes, he _hopes_ -)

 

“holy shit, _changkyun!"_


	8. You gotta get up and move on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a different perspective.... this chapter is probably really bad, but it'll do i guess.... it was really hard to write bc im not good at writing multiple people at once and also this is really new for /this/ story lmao but whatevs,, unedited as usual, this chapters also kind of graphic (?), so be warned. also the fast-pacedness of this chapter is kind of intentional
> 
> ssdfghjk thank you to everyone who's commented, and also thank yall for your kind words, i really appreciate them! my grades are really important though, since i'm working to get my degree in university haha

“where’s changkyun?” hoseok looks up as hyunwoo trudges into the living area, a frown pulling at his lips. “is he still not back?”

hoseok shakes his head, glancing between hyunwoo and the clock. _10:49_ _p.m_ it read, bright numbers glowing in the low light of the room. “not that i know of,” hoseok replies quietly, “it wouldn’t surprise me if he stayed there the whole night again…”

he catches the way hyunwoo bites his lip unsurely and looks away. at this point, it wouldn’t surprise anyone if changkyun just started living in the company building instead of with them in the dorms. hoseok isn’t sure what’s gotten into their maknae, but he knows it’s nothing good - they all know. changkyun’s barely been in the dorm over the last few weeks, and whenever he is, he stays away from the rest, curling up in bed or hiding away in the bathroom. he doesn’t know what happened, if something even happened at _all_ , but obviously it must be something bad for changkyun to be acting out the way he is.

staying out late and not even coming back home sometimes… the lashing out and the skipped meals and the blatant avoidance… nothing in that is good and its just getting _worse_ ; hoseok knows. they all know. changkyun can barely even look them in the eyes anymore, and nobody knows what’s going on - even the managers are at a loss. everybody is.

(he has to wonder… what did they do to upset changkyun so greatly? surely it… had to be _them_ right?)

 

“well i don’t know about _you_ lot, but i’m tired of this.” kihyun slides out of the kitchen, a mug held tightly in his hands. his pink hair is ruffled and the bags under his eyes are ever prominent; hoseok winces, between working on their comeback and changkyun’s… unusual behaviour, they’re _all_ exhausted. “he’s been overworking himself. i can see it, everyone can fucking see it- he’s going to make himself _sick_ ,” kihyun snaps, irritation hiding the worry in his voice, “he can’t keep going on like this, and i’m done letting him do this to himself. _letting him come to us_ obviously isn’t fucking working anymore, so either you go get him, or i’m going to march down there and drag his ass back myself.”

kihyun’s heated words lay heavily on the other two. _he’s got a point_ , hoseok thinks, frowning at kihyun’s flustered face. when changkyun started getting worse, more irritable and jumpy, they resolved to just… let him come to _them_ , because the more they pushed the worse changkyun got… but… _kihyun’s right_ , changkyun’s been more lethargic and pale and _sickly_ than they’ve ever seen him, and they all know changkyun isn’t going to be able to continue on like this. everything in hoseok’s heart is telling him _something_ is _wrong,_ there are so many warning signs but still, nobody can figure them out.

“that doesn’t change the fact that he doesn’t want our help, kihyunnie. what makes you think he’s going to come back with _you_ ,” is all hoseok can say.

kihyun’s glare sharpens and yeah, hoseok probably deserves that, but it’s true. out of them all, kihyun’s been the one changkyun avoided most - out of them all, kihyun would be the _last_ person he wants to be with right now, as far as they know. kihyun opens his mouth to reply, but is hesitantly cut off by hyunwoo, “he’s right kihyun-ah… you and changkyun haven’t really been on the… best of terms…”

when kihyun tries to open his mouth again, hoseok continues, “i’ll  go get him! I’ll bring jooheon, and hopefully then we’ll be able to convince him to come home. none of us will let him stay there tonight, promise.”

kihyun still looks apprehensive, but he nods, and hoseok lets out a sigh as hyunwoo nudges kihyun back towards his room. _kihyun’s probably coming down with something_ , he bites his lip in worry, slipping on his coat and shoving his feet into his shoes.

(with kihyun sick and changkyun… acting out, hoseok’s a little worried about how their comeback will turn out. it’s kind of a selfish thought, he surmises, what with everything going on, but… he can’t shake that worry… he doesn’t want them to fail… but he knows, his bandmates, his family, comes first.)

he’s snapped out of his thoughts by a nudge, and hoseok looks up to see jooheon’s sleepy pout directed at him. he smiles, a little bit, letting jooheon nudge him again. “yah, hyung, you’re going to scare someone off with that expression.”

 

snickering, hoseok knocks jooheon away from him, and and then they’re off. the air outside is cold, but hoseok doesn’t care very much right now - his mind too busy spinning circles around changkyun. hoseok hopes the brunette is warm, he hopes he’s not straining himself more than he has to, hopes he’s found something to eat (but he knows… hoseok _knows_ the answer is probably no). worry scratches at his chest more the closer they get to the company building, his fingers fidget in his pockets, clenching and unclenching around his sleeves. jooheon’s feet scuff heavily against the ground, his bottom lip trapped between his teeth.

(hoseok hopes, for their sake, for changkyun’s sake, that they can bring their maknae home tonight.)

he _hopes_. hoseok _hopes_ and _hopes_ and _hopes_  they all do - but hoseok… he feels ( _knows_ ) that something is wrong the minute they find changkyun’s studio empty, save for the waste bin full of vomit, so he _hopes_ harder than he ever has. with his heart racing in his chest, he _hopes and he hopes and he hopes_.

nothing could prepare them ( _him_ ) for what happens next. nothing prepares them ( _him_ ) for the sight they find when they step inside the practice room. nothing prepares them ( _him_ ) for the sight of their youngest, their changkyun, stained with what hoseok _hopes_ to god isn’t blood ( _i_ _t is- it is it is it is-_ )  
  


hoseok can’t look away from the scene, stopped in the doorway, limbs frozen with both horror and disgust and shock. his heart races in his chest, only getting quicker and quicker the longer he stares, the longer he looks at the crumbled body of their maknae. he can’t look away from the small but alarming pool of blood drying beside changkyun’s head, can’t look away from the still body curled up on the floor in front of the mirrors - can’t look away from changkyun, _their_ changkyun (bleeding, broken, unmoving-)

“ _holy shit, changkyun!_ ”

the sound of jooheon’s horrified yell is enough for hoseok to snap himself out of his shock, and he pushes himself forward until he can drop down onto his knees beside changkyun’s head. hoseok’s hands tremble as he runs them over changkyun’s back gently, releasing a shaky sigh of relief as his back stutters with breath under his fingers. at the touch, changkyun lets out a choked cry, nothing more than a muffled whimper, flinching and trembling and _god fucking dammit_ hoseok’s stomach churns with unimaginable dread - changkyun is _terrified_.

“changkyunnie…” he calls softly, his voice trembling, “changkyun, baby, it’s hyung, h...hyung is here now…” hoseok can feel himself crying now, tears clouding his eyes, but he _can’t_ yet he _can’t_ he has to stay strong right now. “i’m going to move you, changkyun, can you h-hear me? i’m going to m-move you,” his voice cracks and he isn’t sure changkyun could even _understand_ what he’s saying at the moment, but he hopes his voice is enough because he has to see… he has to see how bad it is.

hoseok lays his hands carefully behind changkyun’s head, turning it away from where it was buried in his arms, and hoseok’s heart drops into his stomach. changkyun’s nose, heavily bruised but not visibly broken (hopefully), is still bleeding, his lip is split and one of his eyes is swollen shut - there’s a large bruise extending from cheekbone to cheekbone, over the bridge of his nose, but his face is so bathed in blood hoseok can barely see it under the _red_.

(he wants to throw up, _oh god_.)

the moment hoseok moves him, changkyun almost yells, but the sound is cut off, forcefully choked out, but hoseok hushes him anyway, sniffling back ugly snot and forcing away his tears as the boy under his hands starts to hyperventilate. “sh… shh, changkyunnie, hyung is here, hoseok hyung is here,” he whispers, struggling to keep changkyun’s head up without hurting him further.

he doesn’t know where jooheon is, but he just _can’t_ take his eyes off of changkyun long enough to look around. he can’t risk it, afraid that the moment he looks away, changkyun will be… gone.

but a moment later, another pair of hands are sliding under changkyun’s body, as gentle as possible. jooheon helps slide changkyun up enough so he rests safely against hoseok’s chest, head leaned back against hoseok’s shoulder. from this angle, both of them can see the bruise darkening around changkyun’s throat - hosoek freezes, _someone choked him._

jooheon’s face is both grief-stricken and simmering with anger, his glare watery and wide and mirroring the expression hoseok _knows_ is on his face. changkyun sputters out a cough and suddenly, his cheeks are wet with tears too. “It’s okay, changkyun-ah,” jooheon tries, soothing his hand through changkyun’s sweat-and-blood soaked hair,, “hyungs are here… we’re going to clean you up a bit a-and then call an ambu-”

“ _no_!” the word is forced through clenched teeth, panic-stricken and barely audible, but changkyun’s body tenses up further in their arms. “n-no call, no ambulance,” he wheezes a cough, “i’m sorry- i’m s-sorry- don’t hurt-”

“shh,” hoseok soothes, shooting jooheon a look of alarm as changkyun struggles in his arms, “okay- it’s okay, nobody’s going to hurt you, baby, don’t apologise.” he presses his nose into changkyun’s hair, heart breaking. “we won’t- we won’t call.” _not now, at least._

Jooheon pulls away to grab a towel and a water bottle from beside him, fingers clumsily ripping the cap off and soaking the corner of the towel before he presses it gently to changkyun’s nose. the brunet lets out a muffled wail, panicking, but hoseok holds onto him more securely, pressing changkyun as close to his chest as he can without hurting him.

“it’s just jooheon, changkyun-ah,” jooheon tries, voice trembling around his own tears, but he keeps speaking, rambling on with more and more useless stuff but hoseok is thankful because changkyun calms down in his arms the longer jooheon speaks.

 

once the blood is gone, and changkyuns head lolls back lazily against hoseok’s shoulder, the two can easily see how bad the bruising is. there are fingerprints around his neck, and hoseok catches sight of bruises hiding down changkyun’s shirt- and with the way he flinched every time hoseok touches his sides… hoseok worries he might have some broken ribs.

jooheon’s breath is heavy, his now-empty fists clenched at his sides, and hoseok understands his anger. he feels it deep in his chest, simmering further with every scared whimper and sound of pain that changkyun lets out. he wants to scream, to yell and demand to know who the _fuck_ ever thought they could get away with laying their dirty hands on changkyun, he wants to punch something, to wrap changkyun up in his arms and hide him away - but he can’t, and he knows jooheon shares the same sentiment.

(as much as they want to, they _can’t_. they have to be careful.)

“changkyunnie,” hoseok whispers, after a few minutes, when jooheon’s hands are tangled together with changkyun’s and the boy’s breathing has evened out. “changkyun, can you hear me?”

it takes a moment, but changkyun hums raspily, and hoseok continues. “good…” he clenches and unclenches his fists, taking a steadying breath, “can you… can you tell us what happened?”

changkyun tenses again, whimpering and jooheon quickly shakes his head, so hoseok backtracks, “just… just tell us where you’re hurt, then… and then we’ll see if we can bring you home, okay? kihyunnie and hyunwoo-hyung are waiting for us.”

jooheon’s eyes water when changkyun’s own finally start to flutter open, his pupils are dilated and his gaze is unfocused, but he keeps his eyes open. hoseok watches jooheon squeeze his hands tighter around changkyun’s, and after another few moments, changkyun’s mouth starts moving.

“hurts…” he starts, and his raspy voice is barely heard over his own heavy breathing, “h...head, ‘nd back… ‘nd chest…”

changkyun’s breath hitches again, “h-hyung- hyung i-it really hurts… i w-want to go home.”

hoseok pulls changkyun closer to him still, carefully, holding him steady when his sobs start to rise again. “it’s okay now, baby, we’ll take care of you, you’re coming home” is all hoseok can say, repeating it against changkyun’s ear as he sways the both of them soothingly, eyes trained on jooheon and changkyun’s entwined fingers. the anger grows, and bleeds, angry, protective smoke soaking his lungs and crawling out of his pores.

he watches as jooheon quietly extracts himself from changkyun, giving his hand one last reassuring squeeze, before standing up stiffly. hoseok’s heart aches for the lost look of sadness in jooheon’s eyes - to see his best friend like this, so _hurt_ that he can barely speak, barely move, so terrified out of his goddamn mind… jooheon, bleeding-heart jooheon, hoseok knows he’s beating himself up inside for not being here to protect changkyun.

(because hoseok is doing the same.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also... don't worry yall, changkyun /will/ see a doctor, but remember, they're panicking and they don't want to upset changkyun even more than he already is. 
> 
> get ready for more heartbreak


	9. tell me, how the hell could you talk? (how could you talk?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> really short chapter but!!!! hewwo i'm back!!! anyways i've been in a real big rut lately, and not being in school for the last few months has really stuffed out my creativity and i haven't been able to write, but tonight i decided to give it a try and everything came out pretty easily. expect another chapter too!! all aboard the angst train
> 
> also!!! i edited the other chapters and fixed the timeline, and also idk if i mentioned this, but this story takes place between all in and fighter promotions

with changkyun settled against his chest, eyes fallen shut but heart still beating like a jackrabbit under his ribcage, hoseok knows they can’t just take him home. there’s no doubt that _something_ is sprained, if not broken - whether its his ribs or his nose. and they can’t dress his wounds properly, they can’t tell how hard his head was hit or how bad his injuries actually are, no matter how much they wish they could. changkyun... changkyun didn’t want to go to the hospital, and finally, hoseok gets it. at least, he thinks he does, now.

changkyun didn’t, _doesn’t_ , want to cause a scene. he doesn’t want to bother the rest of them. it all hits hoseok with a painful and startling clarity, the reason for changkyun’s actions these last few months. whatever happened here tonight… it wasn’t the first time.

 _oh… my god,_ hoseok’s breath catches in his throat as it sinks in, _this wasn’t the first time._

unconsciously, his grip tightens around changkyun’s hands, as if to ground himself, to quell the shaking in his own hands and remind himself that changkyun is still there with them. hoseok can feel the hot tears sliding down his cheeks but he doesn’t move to wipe them away.

how had he not seen it earlier? hoseok prided himself on being so in-tune with the rest of his bandmates, he was always observing - but how had me missed _this_? the strange concussion… the bruises changkyun _tries_ to hide… the flinching, the crying, the _fear_ and the lashing out… somebody’s been hurting changkyun - whoever did _this_ , has been doing it for a while now. _how did i not realise?_

changkyun twitches in his arms, a subdued whimper falling from his lips, and hoseok’s heart breaks all over again. he sends a look over to jooheon who was still pacing the practice room, raking his eyes over the dark-haired rapper’s horrified yet angry expression, the way his hands shook as he bit at his nails, eyes still trained on his unmoving best friend even as he paced. they couldn’t take changkyun home, not like this - and both of them know it.

“jooheon-ah,” hoseok calls, his voice breaking, “i know… i know he doesn’t want us to, but we can’t bring him home. _please_ , call an ambulance.”

jooheon wastes barely a moment, stopping in his tracks with brief hesitation, before stumbling over to his discarded cellphone and clumsily dialing. hoseok tunes out his voice, training his focus back onto changkyun. _i’m sorry baby,_ he whispers silently, running his thumb gently over the back of the brunet’s cold hands, “you’ll be home soon, okay?”

the boy says nothing, and soon jooheon joins the two of them again, his twitching fingers taking hold of changkyun’s other hand. in a tense silence, with only changkyun’s raspy breathing to fill the air, they wait.

 

it’s barely fifteen minutes later that the paramedics arrive, and soon after that, jooheon and hoseok and seated in the back of the ambulance along with changkyun’s unconscious body. the noise of the ambulance and the bustle of the paramedics stresses hoseok out - his hand is clasped tight around jooheon’s, the two of them holding on for comfort, for reassurance as they watch changkyun being taken care of. time passes like a blur and they soon find themselves wrapped around each other in the hospital waiting room.

hoseok feels almost… numb. dissociated. never… never would he have thought that one day he’d be waiting on his heels in the waiting room of a hospital, unknowing of whether or not one of his closest friends, his bandmate, would be alright. he can feel jooheon shaking beside him, a slight tremble in his hold; and hoseok looks over.

the rapper’s eyes are red and puffy, his lips ripped by worrying teeth, and legs bouncing anxiously. hoseok squeezes his hand to catch his attention; “h-he’ll be okay, jooheonie…”

for a moment, jooheon just stares at him, but then a choked laugh falls from his lips. “what if he _doesn’t_ , hyung? what- what if he doesn’t make it because w-we weren’t- because i wasn’t there for him?” jooheon’s voice breaks and wobbles, “we could have stopped this! he’s my best friend… i didn’t even… i was too afraid of setting him off, that i just l-left him… w-we _should_ have s-seen it hyung… we should have protected him…”

hoseok wraps himself around jooheon, letting the younger man muffle his cries into his neck. hoseok can feel his own tears start to well up again, biting back his own sobs - he has to stay strong for his dongsaengs. he _has_ to. he rubs jooheon’s back soothingly, drawing his own comfort from the embrace. “he’ll be okay,” he whispers again, reassuring, even if he doesn’t know if he believes it himself.

once jooheon calms down enough to stop his tears, the two of them lean on each other as they sit in the waiting room. hoseok knows they should call their members, if not at least their manager - so he does. he calls hyunsik first, but the call goes to voicemail - so he calls jinsoo, who picks up immediately.

 

“ _hoseok? you never call this late, what’s wrong?_ ”

hoseok hesitates, stumbling over his words, “i… hyung, we’re at the hospital-”

“ _hospital? hoseok are you alright, what happened?_ ”

“no,” hoseok shakes his head, scrunching his nose as he chokes out the words, “n-o, i’m fine, but changkyun… hyung…” his voice cracks again, then, “jooheon and i found him… changkyun’s r-really hurt a-and i don’t-”

he catches the sound of jinsoo’s sharp intake of breath, and a moment later the man interrupts him, “ _ca_ _lm down, hoseok. thank you for calling me; i’ll tell the rest and get over there as soon as i can, okay? have you called hyunsik?_ ”

“i... i called him, but there was no answer…”

“ _h_ _m… alright, i’ll try and contact him too_ ,” jinsoo sighs, frazzled, before continuing softly, " _just try to stay calm, okay? take some deep breaths, it’ll be okay. i’ll see you in a little while, okay?_ ”

“okay,” hoseok replies, softly, listening to the dull sound of the dial-tone drum into his ear. _it’ll all be okay_ , he repeats. _changkyun_ will _be okay._

_he has to be._


End file.
